Current mood:
exhausted The clock keeps moving closer and closer to tomorrow, and I'm dreading the inevitable.
I can't stay here forever. I can't even stay here much longer.
Never mind that it's late, and I'm tired, and I'm alone. I don't live here.
And for the first time in a VERY long time, I'm dreading going home.
Because I don't know if he'll be there waiting for me again.
I don't know how he'll react to what I did. Or when. Or if.
And all I can think about is where I've hid the weapons, and which ones I can get to from any part of the house most efficiently.
And if I'll EVER be able to sleep there again.
And how FUCKING stupid I am. That's really what I'm thinking about.
Stupid to think it was ever real. Stupid to think it was for me, that I could have that even for a minute without drastic repercussions. Stupid to fall for pretty words and gentle touch. I know better. I've ALWAYS known better.
And worse than stupid, cruel. Cruel for selfishly exploring what someone else needed. Even though she told me she didn't, I knew better. I did. It's not fair for me to pretend otherwise. Not to me, and not to her. And cruel of me to pretend it wasn't theft. No matter what he told me, or even what She told me. I KNEW better. I knew better about ALL of it. Stupid and selfish. So ridiculously thirsty for a drop of it... I let my stupid-girl weakness be used against me. Again.
And I REALLY thought... I really convinced myself it would be ok this time. That maybe there isn't anything wrong with me. And you know what? There isn't. I was wrong, and stupid and selfish.... all human traits. But, as a great writer once wrote "Having someone to love... having someone love me? It just wasn't in the cards." And there is nothing wrong with it. As long as I get it. And I get it. Really I do. And it's wonderful. I'm glad I have a purpose that doesn't involve running around in a thong and tank top, spreading my legs like some 18 year old sex kitten. I'm glad I have a purpose that doesn't involve a long white dress and a 5 foot cake.
I just hope I can make it to that purpose in one peice. One peace even.
I won't be long where I am. It turns out even if I could stay, I can't. And wouldn't anyway. So I'll be able sleep again soon. And stop jumping at every fucking sound.
I hate being watched.
I can't stay here forever. I can't even stay here much longer.
Never mind that it's late, and I'm tired, and I'm alone. I don't live here.
And for the first time in a VERY long time, I'm dreading going home.
Because I don't know if he'll be there waiting for me again.
I don't know how he'll react to what I did. Or when. Or if.
And all I can think about is where I've hid the weapons, and which ones I can get to from any part of the house most efficiently.
And if I'll EVER be able to sleep there again.
And how FUCKING stupid I am. That's really what I'm thinking about.
Stupid to think it was ever real. Stupid to think it was for me, that I could have that even for a minute without drastic repercussions. Stupid to fall for pretty words and gentle touch. I know better. I've ALWAYS known better.
And worse than stupid, cruel. Cruel for selfishly exploring what someone else needed. Even though she told me she didn't, I knew better. I did. It's not fair for me to pretend otherwise. Not to me, and not to her. And cruel of me to pretend it wasn't theft. No matter what he told me, or even what She told me. I KNEW better. I knew better about ALL of it. Stupid and selfish. So ridiculously thirsty for a drop of it... I let my stupid-girl weakness be used against me. Again.
And I REALLY thought... I really convinced myself it would be ok this time. That maybe there isn't anything wrong with me. And you know what? There isn't. I was wrong, and stupid and selfish.... all human traits. But, as a great writer once wrote "Having someone to love... having someone love me? It just wasn't in the cards." And there is nothing wrong with it. As long as I get it. And I get it. Really I do. And it's wonderful. I'm glad I have a purpose that doesn't involve running around in a thong and tank top, spreading my legs like some 18 year old sex kitten. I'm glad I have a purpose that doesn't involve a long white dress and a 5 foot cake.
I just hope I can make it to that purpose in one peice. One peace even.
I won't be long where I am. It turns out even if I could stay, I can't. And wouldn't anyway. So I'll be able sleep again soon. And stop jumping at every fucking sound.
I hate being watched.
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/taracardinal/blog?page=6#ixzz0xkPx1mqp
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