Current mood:
sad I guess I always thought I had more time. More time to make it right, to fix it, to do just a little more. But that time is over now.
And it makes me really sad.
I feel like there's spike in my stomach, and I HATE it.
I fee like there's pressure behind my eyes, and I hate that too. Like the dry heaves of crying. But not as much fun as that.
Damn it I didn't want to loose her. I loved her. She was my baby. And I don't know how to let her go the way I need to.
Statistically it had to happen. I think that's why I was so guarded with her when she was a child. I was afraid to touch her, lest she think something was wrong. I was afraid to say "I love you" first lest she think I was guilting her into saying it back. Maybe that's why it turned out like this? Maybe I did something wrong when she was just a kid, and she can't forgive me for it?
I know I wasn't there as much I needed to be. I wasn't there for her as much as I wanted to be. I used to feel so guilty for not calling her more, not visiting more. Not sending enough presents. I remember once I brought her 50 presents at Xmas to make up for all the other ones. And she would rip the heads off of the barbies and cut their hair. Except for the red headed ones.
I don't think I can do this.... this hurts too much.
She's SOO angry at me. She says she doesn't care, but if she didn't she wouldn't have taken the time to lash out. To tell me I'm self absorbed. Which I totally am right now. My sister left me again and all I can think about is how much hurts. All I can think about is how abandoned I've ALWAYS felt by my entire family EXCEPT her, and now her too. Did I put too much pressure on her? Did I push her away by wanting her not to reject me so much? What did I do? And what am I supposed to do now?
And I was having SUCH a good day, until that all happened. I'll post pictures when I get them. And in the mean time I'll... well, I'm not really sure what I'll do between now and then.
God I miss her.
And it makes me really sad.
I feel like there's spike in my stomach, and I HATE it.
I fee like there's pressure behind my eyes, and I hate that too. Like the dry heaves of crying. But not as much fun as that.
Damn it I didn't want to loose her. I loved her. She was my baby. And I don't know how to let her go the way I need to.
Statistically it had to happen. I think that's why I was so guarded with her when she was a child. I was afraid to touch her, lest she think something was wrong. I was afraid to say "I love you" first lest she think I was guilting her into saying it back. Maybe that's why it turned out like this? Maybe I did something wrong when she was just a kid, and she can't forgive me for it?
I know I wasn't there as much I needed to be. I wasn't there for her as much as I wanted to be. I used to feel so guilty for not calling her more, not visiting more. Not sending enough presents. I remember once I brought her 50 presents at Xmas to make up for all the other ones. And she would rip the heads off of the barbies and cut their hair. Except for the red headed ones.
I don't think I can do this.... this hurts too much.
She's SOO angry at me. She says she doesn't care, but if she didn't she wouldn't have taken the time to lash out. To tell me I'm self absorbed. Which I totally am right now. My sister left me again and all I can think about is how much hurts. All I can think about is how abandoned I've ALWAYS felt by my entire family EXCEPT her, and now her too. Did I put too much pressure on her? Did I push her away by wanting her not to reject me so much? What did I do? And what am I supposed to do now?
And I was having SUCH a good day, until that all happened. I'll post pictures when I get them. And in the mean time I'll... well, I'm not really sure what I'll do between now and then.
God I miss her.
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/taracardinal/blog?page=7#ixzz0xkRD30d1
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