Tara Cardinal - 4 degrees of Kevin Bacon

This is an older post - I must be more like 2 or 3 by now.

 

Tara Cardinal: 4 degrees of Kevin Bacon!
Current mood:  amused

I got this email from a long time friend. With his permission, I am posting it in my blog, because it's just funny:

Hot Video... and you've made it easier for me...
You're in Bloody 27 with Michael Winslow who was in Spaceballs
with Rick Moranis who was in Little Shop of Horrors
with Bill Murray who was in Wild Things
with Kevin Bacon.

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/taracardinal/blog?page=8#ixzz0xkRkqK7n

Another reminder, Myspace Dec 2008

I guess I really lost her
Current mood:  sad

I guess I always thought I had more time. More time to make it right, to fix it, to do just a little more. But that time is over now.

And it makes me really sad.

I feel like there's spike in my stomach, and I HATE it.
I fee like there's pressure behind my eyes, and I hate that too. Like the dry heaves of crying. But not as much fun as that.

Damn it I didn't want to loose her. I loved her. She was my baby. And I don't know how to let her go the way I need to.

Statistically it had to happen. I think that's why I was so guarded with her when she was a child. I was afraid to touch her, lest she think something was wrong. I was afraid to say "I love you" first lest she think I was guilting her into saying it back. Maybe that's why it turned out like this? Maybe I did something wrong when she was just a kid, and she can't forgive me for it?

I know I wasn't there as much I needed to be. I wasn't there for her as much as I wanted to be. I used to feel so guilty for not calling her more, not visiting more. Not sending enough presents. I remember once I brought her 50 presents at Xmas to make up for all the other ones. And she would rip the heads off of the barbies and cut their hair. Except for the red headed ones.

I don't think I can do this.... this hurts too much.

She's SOO angry at me. She says she doesn't care, but if she didn't she wouldn't have taken the time to lash out. To tell me I'm self absorbed. Which I totally am right now. My sister left me again and all I can think about is how much hurts. All I can think about is how abandoned I've ALWAYS felt by my entire family EXCEPT her, and now her too. Did I put too much pressure on her? Did I push her away by wanting her not to reject me so much? What did I do? And what am I supposed to do now?

And I was having SUCH a good day, until that all happened. I'll post pictures when I get them. And in the mean time I'll... well, I'm not really sure what I'll do between now and then.

God I miss her.

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/taracardinal/blog?page=7#ixzz0xkRD30d1

Myspace April 2009. My reminder.

De ja vu -- again
Current mood:  exhausted

The clock keeps moving closer and closer to tomorrow, and I'm dreading the inevitable.

I can't stay here forever. I can't even stay here much longer.
Never mind that it's late, and I'm tired, and I'm alone. I don't live here.

And for the first time in a VERY long time, I'm dreading going home.

Because I don't know if he'll be there waiting for me again.
I don't know how he'll react to what I did. Or when. Or if.

And all I can think about is where I've hid the weapons, and which ones I can get to from any part of the house most efficiently. 

And if I'll EVER be able to sleep there again.

And how FUCKING stupid I am. That's really what I'm thinking about.

Stupid to think it was ever real. Stupid to think it was for me, that I could have that even for a minute without drastic repercussions. Stupid to fall for pretty words and gentle touch. I know better. I've ALWAYS known better.

And worse than stupid, cruel. Cruel for selfishly exploring what someone else needed. Even though she told me she didn't, I knew better. I did. It's not fair for me to pretend otherwise. Not to me, and not to her. And cruel of me to pretend it wasn't theft. No matter what he told me, or even what She told me. I KNEW better. I knew better about ALL of it. Stupid and selfish. So ridiculously thirsty for a drop of it... I let my stupid-girl weakness be used against me. Again.

And I REALLY thought... I really convinced myself it would be ok this time. That  maybe there isn't anything wrong with me. And you know what? There isn't. I was wrong, and stupid and selfish.... all human traits. But, as a great writer once wrote "Having someone to love... having someone love me? It just wasn't in the cards." And there is nothing wrong with it. As long as I get it. And I get it. Really I do. And it's wonderful. I'm glad I have a purpose that doesn't involve running around in a thong and tank top, spreading my legs like some 18 year old sex kitten. I'm glad I have a purpose that doesn't involve a long white dress and a 5 foot cake.

I just hope I can make it to that purpose in one peice. One peace even.

I won't be long where I am. It turns out even if I could stay, I can't. And wouldn't anyway. So I'll be able sleep again soon. And stop jumping at every fucking sound.

I hate being watched.

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/taracardinal/blog?page=6#ixzz0xkPx1mqp

If only for a Moment - Myspace repost: Chris and Irv are remembered

If only for a moment
Current mood:  depressed

I'm not good at this kind of stuff.... and it's been a long time since I've had to be...

But, I just want to take a moment to remember two people, who were both a very important part of my life - for just a moment.

Irv, who passed away last month. He was the DP on my pet project Legend of the Red Reaper.

And Chris, a kick ass stunt guy who came all the way out to Saint Augustine to help us with stunts. He was kind enough to let me kill him on screen. And it was his idea for me to have one fist balled up during my rampage through Nephek.

Right around my birthday, about 2 years ago, Chris was performing at the Pirates dinner show. He got a bunch of us tickets, and we came out to watch. In one of my rare moments, I managed to get completely plastered drunk. It had something to do with my low blood sugar, not eating all day and 2 glasses of wine before food. I was in a great mood. And then something a little odd happened. Chris and I were talking, and he told me about his cancer. He'd been in remission for a year or so, and thought things were going to be fine. But I started to cry. I cried so hard. I haven't cried that hard since Cory's funeral. But there he was, flabbergasted. And didn't stop for the rest of the night.

Amber aka Freya, put me to bed that night. She tucked me in and said something sweet.

And when I woke the next morning, I found I'd cried all the make up off of my face.

I was too embarrassed to face Chris after that. I felt so silly. Getting so upset over what seemed to be nothing to him. In retrospect, it doesn't seem that much like nothing.

I have no point to this. I'm just a little sad. I wish I'd been there more for him.

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/taracardinal/blog?page=5#ixzz0xkOUn03m

Red Reaper Blog - Best of Myspace Blogs - Jan 2010

Getting there... little by little. Or not so little by little.

When I told him what I was doing, my ex exclaimed "How the hell can you shoot a film with no script and no budget". Amazing, how you can do exactly that if you know how to do a little producing. As it turns out, I did have one, but it was so good that no one had to read it.

Writing, for me at least, is like getting naked. And not stripper naked, but vulnerable naked. No clothes, no make up, no smoke and mirrors. All the flaws pointed at and exposed. Showing people that writing is like stepping out in front of everyone, flawed and naked. So, while I gave a lot of grief to those who didn't know the script as well as I did, in some ways it made me feel less exposed.

Every day felt like an exercise in not falling flat on my face. Between the producing solo, acting, and stunt work I fully expected to screw something up. But it turns out I wasn't nearly as alone as I felt like I was the first time around. Just when I felt like I was about to fall apart along came someone with exactly what I needed to keep going. Although it was USUALLY Michael, it was also Vickie, Justin, Timothy, Tim, Regina, Ted, Steven, David, Grady, Chris, or even on of our PAs (who, were the most awesome of all possible PAs!). Or one of the make up girls fixing me, or stunt guys telling me I don't suck.

What can I say? SFX worked magic, I was shot up, bloodied up - Tim Hays regrew Tom Nowicki's hair and beard - and that was WITHOUT the wig that was ordered. The sets were beautiful - perfect even. The shots were amazing. It's like Jose took everything in my head, fixed it, and magically put it on the monitor. My first AD was so charming and efficient we ran 7-10 hour days and we got all of our shots. The acting was brilliant. I am happy to say that in that department I was by far the weakest link and relied heavily on the strong support of Christian, Tom, David, Christina, Eliza, Barry, Shayne, and dear sweet Cal (who knew he had that in him????). And as for the stunts, all the stunt guys were great (but I miss you Justice!) and Cal and Grady worked magic. And thank GOD for Patty and Kat, who doubled (and by doubled I mean SAVED) my ass on the days when I could hardly move.

I didn't hear a single complaint in 2 weeks. The PAs were smiling, my production house never said a word about the lack of floor, broken dishwasher, or blow up mattresses that wouldn't hold air.

And as for me... yes I got my ass kicked - and it was worth every bruise, every cut, everything. I actually got whipped in the whipping scene. I am actually tied, chained, and held down during the ... well that scene. I use a real sword in the sword fighting scenes. I really took my skin off for the "cutting" scene. And I went to one of the darkest places I know to pull out a real performance.

Because that's just what it takes to be a producer, actress and stunt girl.

And I can't wait for the next round!

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/taracardinal/blog?page=4#ixzz0xkMsGShJ

Tara's first blog post here

Just a little test to see how this thing works, if it works, and if I can stop using myspace for my blogging needs.

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